Sex is an important part of a relationship, and in a healthy relationship, it helps us to connect with our lover on an intimate level. You explore vulnerabilities, imperfections, turn-ons, quirks, and sensuality. However, when in a relationship with a narcissistic lover, sex can feel very different. It can range from blissful, forceful, to disconnected, degrading, non-existent, to illegal. From a narcissist’s point of view, sex is a way to gain control; thus, regardless of how great the sex is, there is a hidden agenda. The agenda is to get their need for control and manipulation met – and if sex is part of the bargain, then so be it. In layman’s terms, that is called “using, manipulation, taking advantage of,” or “a con.” Here are some common characteristic sexual behaviors to be on the lookout for if you are in a relationship with a narcissist.
1) The best you ever had. If you find yourself, still thinking about sex with an ex, or how great the sex was with your current lover, especially in the beginning of the relationship – it was because this was done on purpose. Narcissistic lovers pay great attention to detail with every touch, every caress, and every kiss to leave you wanting more.
2) Your lover is obsessed with their own performance and physique. If your lover is more into watching themselves perform (as opposed to being focused on you), or is hyper-focused on keeping up with their sexual performance, then they can likely be narcissistic. Telltale signs would be if your lover is focused on watching themselves in the mirror, making a video about your sexual encounter (especially without your consent), is obsessed with their penis/breast size or stamina, etc., and constantly focused on their sexual performance (even asking you to rate them with your past lovers – and then getting upset if it isn’t the answer that they want to hear).
3) You can give, but you can’t receive. When it comes right down to oral sex, there are many narcissistic lovers who love getting the gift of oral sex from you – and may even demand it. But when you ask to receive it back, they will abstain from pleasuring you. In fact, they may degrade you for wanting them to provide oral sex.
4) Sex on the first date or immediately after meeting each other. It’s not unusual for a narcissistic lover to have sex with you as soon as possible after meeting. Again, the idea is to try and gain control and see how far they can push the boundaries as soon as possible. Sex under the guise of a false sense of closeness and being really attracted to you helps them with securing dominance in the relationship as soon as possible.
5) Detached, mechanical, degrading sex; or withholding sex from you. Without warning, your narcissistic lover can turn off the chemistry in the relationship, choosing to only have sex on their terms. Thus, they withdraw completely from giving you any affection or attention without giving you a valid (or truthful reason). You may become the aggressor of sex, and continue to pressure your lover for an intimate connection only to be rejected. When they are finally ready to have sex with you after a lengthy period of not being intimate, the sex is often forceful, mechanical, and there is no enjoyment in it for you.
6) Incest/molestation. The narcissist views sex as a way to manipulate and control; thus, nothing is off limits, including having sex with family members or underage children. Family members and children are often seen as more vulnerable, easier to manipulate, and control.
7) Risky and unhealthy sexual behaviors. Often a narcissistic lover will have multiple sexual partners, and may even engage in group sex, other partners outside of their relationship with you, sex with homosexuals/transgenders/prostitutes; all while under the guise of being in a relationship with you. They frequently engage in unprotected sex which increases the likelihood that they will give you an STD.
8) Addiction to pornography. Again, this issue leads back to control. Watching sex on television or on the computer which is at the control of their hands is exciting.
9) Having sex with you while you were sleeping. Have you ever woken up to your narcissistic lover on top of you, having sex without your consent? Perhaps, they won’t even stop if you ask them to. Again, they are doing what feels good to them, and they don’t have regard for your feelings.
10) Recording sex without your consent. Because a narcissist is enamored with their performance and conquests, they will record your sexual encounter; even without your consent. Again, the idea is that they can do what they want, when they want, and then have the evidence that they can go back and watch later.
11) Pressuring you to engage in risqué sex, and then condemning you for it. Your lover may ask you to engage sex in public places, or swap partners; which is something that you would not do. But because you want to please your lover, you consent to it. After the deed is done, you may feel the backlash of your partners wrath. Your lover is asking you, "why the hell did you do it?" This suggests that they were testing you to see how far you would go for them. They actually condemn you for going along with their plans.
While you may be trying to connect with your lover on an emotional or intimate level, your narcissistic lover is using sex as a means of controlling and manipulating you. While they may be passionate and exciting lovers in the beginning; they can quickly detach and become abusive. They will often cross the line on boundaries, and for most of them – there are no limits on what they are willing to do sexually. However, they are great at sending contradictory messages during sex, and often when you consent to participating in the very act that they asked you to; you may be condemned for it. Healthy sexually intimate relationships, are a way to build a stronger connection with your partner. Sex should not consist of control, mind games, make you feel uncomfortable, or be abusive.
If you are interested in learning more, please feel free to contact me to see how I can help you deal with being in an abusive relationship.
Disclaimer: This blog post is not a diagnostic tool, nor is it meant to be used in place of treatment with a licensed clinician. This blog is for informational purposes.
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© 2017 Dr. Natalie Jones, LPCC, PsyD. | Clinical Psychologist
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